Thursday, July 19, 2012


Well I've been on hiatus for quite a few months now.  Things have just been insane.  Work has been insane.  School has been insane.  And free time -- what's that?  It's no wonder my 52 project came to a screeching halt.  I've been nonstop for months now.

But things are finally starting to settle.  As they are settling, I am having more time to process things I started bottling up about over the past couple months.  My mind is dredging things up that I thought were long-buried, and I'm attempting to re-process them.  Like, hey, remember that time your so-called BFF talked shit about your daughter behind your back?  Oh, yeah.  That pissed me off pretty good.  Hm, yep, still pretty upset about that.  And, hey, remember when you found out that your other so-called friend twisted your words into something that doesn't even resemble what you actually said, and spit them back out to someone else so that person could spend months angry with you over it?  Oh yeah!  How could I forget.  You know what, yep, I'm still pretty ticked about that too.  And, what about the time when your so-called BFF blatantly betrayed your trust and broke your confidence, or the time when your so-called friends twisted interactions with you into something they very clearly were not?  Yeah, turns out I still remember that crap too.

It's exhausting.  Dealing with this crap.  Positively exhausting.  The toughest part is that I don't have a poker face.  I can't hide how I'm feeling.  If you sense that I'm upset with you... well, I am.  You'll know it.  I don't set out to intentionally make anyone feel uncomfortable, it's just that I can't stomach being fake and acting like nothing happened when you've just stabbed me in the back and are twisting the knife by smiling in my face like you didn't do anything wrong.  So yeah.  It's exhausting to hold back the bitch, to bite my tongue to keep from telling someone off, to hold my fist by my side so it doesn't connect with someone's jaw.  But alas, keeping the peace is likely necessary to keeping a lot of the other things in my life as well.  My tongue has permanent teeth marks in it.

But there's a lesson to be learned from this weight.  And that is, above all, the love of your family is the most important thing in your life, and nothing should ever tarnish that.  None of those problems should ever tarnish me so much that it takes away from my day-to-day love and joy that is my daughter.  None of these things should ever weigh so heavily on me that I can't enjoy my daughter and my family and the other people that really do have my back and love me.

I will never go home in a bad mood and let anyone else's actions take away from the time I have with my daughter.

So, if I can muster the strength to put those issues aside every day to go home happy and enjoy my life with her, I really just need to find it in me to put those issues aside completely.  Chalk it up to lessons learned and cut those people out of my life.  And if I can't....and I might not be able to, least know they can't be trusted.  Avoid them.  Protect myself.  Live my life and love my daughter.

She is really the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and I won't let anyone hurt me in such a way that she is affected by it.  She is my saving grace, the light at the end of every tunnel, the hugs and smiles waiting to ease my pain.

Life would really, really suck without my daughter.

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