Clean It Up

I can't believe over a whole month has passed since I've blogged.  I suppose I've been really enjoying my summer.  :)

I swore off Facebook for the summer and have barely missed it.  It's been nice, being Facebook-free. 

My August resolution was to kick off my next cookbook - The Scott Family Table - and I have successfully done that, thanks to the help of my sister acting as photographer.  I have decided that for this cookbook, I don't want as many "process" pictures.  I really just want finished-product pictures, and candids.  I wasn't hardly in my last cookbook; I want to be there more this time.  I've got another few "cooking weekends" lined up in the coming months, which I'm pretty excited about.

With that said, August has been a hectic month.  Happy hours, barbecues, and all kinds of fun stuff.  Not much relaxing.

Weight Watchers is going well.  I'm wrapping up this session in the next two weeks.  I've lost a grand total of 7 pounds so far.  I don't really find this discouraging, because with all the working out I've been doing, I've really been gaining a lot of muscle.  My arms and shoulders are more toned than they've ever been; but my problem area remains, as always, between my belly button and my knees.

When the next session of WW starts, I'm going to change my workout routines.  I'm adding in some jogging on the weekends (I tried it last weekend and my knees came out unscathed).  I'm adding more reps to my weight lifting.  I'm adding some cardio on days where I normally don't do cardio.  And I'm switching up my ab exercises.  I'm also going to add in a rest day - probably Sunday - because I think I'm allowed to have one.  I will still try to be active to some degree, but maybe not in a I GOTTA GO WORK OUT kind of way.

September is right around the corner.  What is my resolution?  It might be impossible for me to achieve.  But I'm willing to give it a try.  I've been inspired by this gorgeous gal I follow on Instagram (follow her - @notsteph).  She's got 3 kids, eats clean, and looks amazing.  She's also very tiny, and while I will never be tiny, I figure perhaps I can employ some of her methods and find some more success of my own.  I recently asked her what her biggest tip was for managing the midsection, be it diet or exercise.  Her response:

"Belly fat is all diet.  When I eat too many "cheat meals" my arms, legs & butt still look fit but my belly is the first to show what I've really been eating.  You can do all the core workouts in teh world, but if your diet is bad then you won't see the results you want."

There it is in black and white.  The truth I've been trying to deny for so long.  (And she's not the first person I've heard it from, I think just now, finally, I'm in the frame of mind where it's clicking.  You have to be mentally ready for this sort of thing.)  You know, I just want to be able to eat what I want and just exercise and lose weight.  Well this just isn't possible.  That was the first thing Weight Watchers taught me.  Also, I learned something very valuable this month. 

Back at the beginning of August I had felt that I had worked so hard to get to where I was at, that I deserved a cheat day.  Not a cheat meal, a cheat day.  True Fatty style.  So I planned this whole elaborate day around food - eggs Benedict for breakfast; a Wawa hoagie for lunch; a chocolate milkshake; candy; a cheesesteak and french fries for dinner; soda; the whole nine yards.  (Just reading that list right now makes my stomach turn.)  And you know, I really almost felt kind of shameful on my cheat day.  Like here I was, this self-proclaimed Fatty, planning out all the ridiculous foods I was going to eat that day.  Here I was, sitting at home by my blow-up pool, salivating over going to Wawa for lunch and getting a hoagie.  Is there anything more True Fatty than that?  I mean really.  There were so many points in the process where I could have called it quits - instead, I went inside, got my keys, got in my car, drove to Wawa, ordered the hoagie, paid for it, came home, and could only devour half of it.  I didn't even really enjoy it.  If I'm going to "cheat", I better love every fucking bite.  (Now - my cheesesteak, for dinner - I loved every fucking bite of that, so much so that I wish I'd skipped the hoagie so I could have eaten the whole cheesesteak.)

So what did that teach me?  It taught me two main things:

1. That a cheat day is waaaaaaay over-necessary.
2. That a cheat meal is probably more do-able, enjoyable, and likely to keep me on track.

Aside from those two things though, I think it might have also taught me something else.  You know that saying, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"?  Well I never bought into it - until now.  When I stepped on that scale 5 days after my cheat day, I felt full of shame, regret, and I was irritated with myself.  I didn't WANT to step on that scale and find out that the number had gone up (which it did).  That made me feel worse than missing all my favorite foods.  It made me feel like a True Fatty.  So I think I learned that really - nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  I'm not skinny, by any stretch of the imagination, and I probably never will truly be "skinny" (I am too curvy and too muscular).  But I honestly think that losing weight and exercising feels so much better than eating like shit.  I feel better about myself; I feel proud.  When I step on that scale and the number goes down, the joy I get from that far outweighs the joy I get from a Wawa hoagie.

So, back to my original question.  What's my September resolution?  To eat as clean as possible.  I am going to try my darndest.  I've been slipping in many departments lately - soda, candy, chocolate - because the scale keeps going down, so I keep thinking that I'm doing fine so it's okay to inject myself with fake sugar, of course, duh.  But I think now, 9 months into my year of resolutions, I am ready to attempt it.  I think I talked about it earlier this year but figured it was too extreme - well now I think I am really ready.

I've done a fair amount of research this morning.  I have lists in my phone.  I am looking at my favorite recipes and figuring out how to make them "clean".  And it's back to nature's bounty I go - on September 2nd.  I know I know, but look, I'm going on vacation with my fam-a-wee this weekend, it's our only vacation this summer, and I'm not gonna go crazy or anything, but, just, ugh, gimme one last weekend.  I still have to step on the scale NEXT Thursday so that's keeping me in check.  I mean have you been to an East Coast beach?  Eating clean is practically out of the question.

I've got some recipes I'm interested in trying.  I'm so happy to see that potatoes are on the clean eating list :) :) :) seeing as though they cost points on the WW plan.  But, whatever.  I'm going to try and do both.  But now I plead for your help - please please please - if you've got recipes, or a favorite site you like to go to to get recipes for clean eating, please share them here.  I need everything: breakfast, lunch, dinner, sides, etc.  Treats would be nice too.  But not necessary.  Anything you've got for breakfast that's grab-and-go or wrap-and-go that I can eat on the way is super helpful.  For the past few months I've been eating a homemade egg-and-cheese sandwich that holds me over till lunch (1 egg + 1 egg white, 1 slice 2% milk cheese, on whole-grain "1/3 daily value fiber!" English muffin) and I'm getting kind of bored of it.  Ok, really bored of it.  Okokok, so bored that I ate Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs a few too many times in the last couple of weeks.

My recipe restrictions: I don't like many veggies (lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, bell peppers, spinach - that's about it), I don't eat any fish (I know, sacre bleu), and I'm not a huuuuge fan of yogurt, though I can deal with it in smoothies and stuff.  Anything I can make that "hides" veggies = bonus.

So anyway, there you have it. 

Along with all that, I'll also be back to my crazy spreadsheets for September to track my progress.  I'm making them now.  I swear.

Wish me luck.  xo

FIREWORKS

If you have been holding your breath waiting for my fireworks post, you can let it go now.  Because here it is!

I'm so excited to share these with you.

Now believe me - I know that these are not professionally admirable or anything of the like, but I am SO excited that my camera can do this without me having to sit and think about it too much.  I'd like to get myself to a fireworks show and get a proper setup going - tripod, remote shutter, etc - and really get some awesome captures.  But for the first go-round with my new digital camera, holding as still as I possibly can... this ain't so bad.

First, fun with sparklers:

Now, the fireworks:

And, I think my favorite one of the night:

A big thanks to my good friend Danielle for hosting the 4th of July this year and having us over.  She makes a killer burger and an even deadlier Mudslide.

July's Goals

Well I'm halfway through July right now, and I'm also about halfway through the Weight Watchers program I signed up for.

Every day I've been working out, doing something active.  The only day I missed was this past Saturday, it was raining and I had a bridal shower to go to and I was running all over the place and didn't get my workout in.  Sad face.  But hey, 15/16 days in July ain't bad.

I've been keeping a spreadsheet, a calendar, and a food diary tracking my progress.  Obsessive much?  Maybe.  But I think it's working.  My actual weight isn't changing too drastically - I AM losing - but I can notice a difference when I look at myself in the mirror.

Below is a screenshot of one of the spreadsheets I'm using.  It tracks my total calorie, carb, fat, protein, sugar, and fiber consumption each day.  In the carb, fat, and sugar columns, you'll notice the cells are red if I finished over my daily goal for the day.  In the protein and fiber columns, the cells are green if I finished over my daily goal for the day.  I made those green because - is it really bad to have too much protein or too much fiber?  I'd submit that it is not.  So I went over, but it's not red/bad.

When you exercise, you can earn more to consume, so that's why some of the cells aren't red if they are over my daily goal.

Using tools like this help me stay on track.  And honestly, sometimes I really won't want to go to the gym, but I know that if I don't then I can't have a little bit more dinner to eat.  And I also know that then I would have a big red zero on my spreadsheet in the exercise column, which I don't like.  Or a big fat NO on my exercise calendar.  So I always end up dragging myself to the gym, and I'm always glad I did. 

Independence Day

So, I came on here all excited to share my 4th of July fireworks pictures with you.  My new camera has a setting specific for bulb mode (which allows you to control how long the shutter is open) instead of having to finagle a bunch of settings and make it happen, and on the 4th of July I put it to the test with sparklers and fireworks.  The pictures turned out so cool.

But I really have some things weighing on my mind and need to get them off my chest.

For almost 24 hours now, my brow has been in a permanent furrow.  Last night the jury in the George Zimmerman case found him not guilty.  I support this decision 100%.  And what's got me all furrowed is that apparently my opinion is in the minority.  And apparently this makes me a racist.  Because somehow, this was a case about racism.

None of that could be further from the truth.  Me - prejudiced - yes.  I'll concede that I'm prejudiced.  We all are, and you're lying if you say you're not.  You're not looking deep enough into yourself.  But I have never applied blanket judgments to any race or creed or orientation or denomination or anything.  When this case first came into the news over a year ago, I believed what the media wanted me to believe.  That a white guy gunned down an innocent black kid.  A kid.  As a mother, the loss of a child's life will never be lost on me.  And to lose a child in such a violent way - suffice it to say I could not imagine.  I could not imagine the internal breaking that my body would have to endure.  I just couldn't.

But the trial was a public trial.  It was broadcasted on TV and via live stream on the internet.  When Aaron and I were in Baltimore a few weeks ago, it was the first week of the trial.  Our routine in Baltimore had been to get up early and go out for breakfast and walk around and do a bunch of stuff and go back to the hotel room in the early afternoon, exhausted by the heat, and flip on the TV and relax.  The first day we landed on a channel covering the Zimmerman trial.  I hadn't even known that the trial was starting, and I love watching trials and things like Dateline and 48 Hours so I was immediately absorbed.  It was the first week of the trial.

By the third day of me watching the trial - which, may I remind you, was the beginning, so it was the prosecution putting on its case - Aaron and I were saying to each other, gee, you know, it actually DOES sound like self-defense.  Neither of us had believed self-defense at first.  At all.  But when the prosecution puts people on the stand that supports the defense - and not just one person, but witness after witness called by the prosecution gave statements that supported the defense - well it just had to make one wonder.

Back at work the following week, I listened to the trial live stream.  Every second I was at my desk, I had the headphones on, listening intently.  I didn't get much work done.  I was continually appalled at how bad the prosecution's case was.  I actually felt embarrassed for them.

The only thing I can concede that George Zimmerman was guilty of was getting out of his car.  Yes, maybe he should have stayed in his car.  If you believe it the way he tells it, he was getting an address for the dispatcher he was talking to, so they could send a patrol car to the area to handle the situation.  He was heading back to his car when he was confronted by Trayvon Martin.  This is when everything changes.

This is when, the fact that he got out of his car doesn't matter.  He had every right to get out of his car.  Just as Trayvon had every right to be on that bike path, Zimmerman had every right to get out of his car.  Nothing illegal about either.  Public property.  A 911 dispatcher doesn't have any authority over anyone.  Yes, he said "We don't need you to follow him, sir", and Zimmerman's response:  "OK".  So he turns around to go back to his car.

This is where it turns from "Zimmerman was pursuing an innocent kid", to the act that Zimmerman was prosecuted for.

Zimmerman was on his way back to his car when confronted from behind by Trayvon.  Trayvon attacks him.  Wrestles him to the ground on his back.  Straddles his midsection.  Beats Zimmerman about the face for 40 seconds straight (do you know how LONG that is?), slams his head into the pavement, while Zimmerman screamed for help and nobody came.

That all happened, people.  There are facts and there is evidence to prove it.  An assault happened.

Zimmerman's back was wet and covered in grass.  Trayvon Martin's knees were wet and had grass stains.  There is a 911 call that documents Zimmerman's cries for help.

Zimmerman pulls a gun and shoots Trayvon.  Trayvon dies.

This is a tragedy.  No matter how you cut it.  A child dies.

But I have to ask.

What if it were me?  What if I were Zimmerman?  What if a 17 year old kid attacked me like that?  Wrestled me to the ground and beat my face, broke my nose, slammed my skull into the pavement?  If I was trained in gun handling well enough and could get to it, I'd have pulled my gun on him and shot him too.  What am I supposed to do, stick around and wait for it to get worse?

Am I supposed to worry about what people are going to say because I'm white and he's black?  Am I supposed to NOT defend myself because of the possibility of being called a racist?

No.  I will choose to defend myself.

And if I went to trial and got off, would people pull the race card and say this was a case about racism?  It's not racist that a man with black skin attacked me.  It's a fact.  A man with black skin attacked me.  I can't change that fact.  It's not racist that a jury exonerated me for shooting someone in self-defense.  I saved my life.  I was in fear for MY LIFE.  It was self-defense.

How is it any different for George Zimmerman?  Is it because he's a guy?  Do people feel that he should have been able to free himself because he was older and possibly stronger than Trayvon?  Yeah?  Then you're sexist.

People will say that because I'm a white woman, I would never see a jail cell or go to trial.  But if that's their stance, then it's a hypothetical one.  And therefore their claims of racism are hypothetical.  Nobody can claim to know for certain what would happen if races were reversed, if roles were reversed, etc.  You're in hypothetical territory, and your racism is now hypothetical.  "Well if it were the other way around -- " oh, so you can predict the future huh?  You can predict exactly what would happen if it were me that was attacked?  Wait I forgot, I'm a racist.  Of course I would be exonerated.  (Note sarcasm.)

But while we're all on a hypothetical tear here, let's discuss the hypotheticals more pertinent to the case.  Maybe Trayvon should have just ran home.  Maybe, if Trayvon really felt like he was being followed and was scared like he told his friend on his cell phone moments before the confrontation that ended his life, maybe he should have hung up with her and called 911 to report a man following him.  Instead of putting his phone down and confronting his supposed pursuer, who was walking away from him.  Maybe if Trayvon had looked like he was going from point A to point B - store to home - like he was going somewhere in the rain instead of milling about, instead of "lurking" around a neighborhood that had been the target of a recent crime wave, maybe neighborhood watch patrol wouldn't have thought he looked suspicious.

Maybe Zimmerman should have stayed in his car.

Maybe Trayvon should have made a beeline for his house.

If either of them had been smarter, none of this would have happened.  But sadly neither of them saw what was coming.  So what happened was, this "innocent" kid assaulted a man.  Zimmerman did not chase this kid down and gun him down.  The prosecution couldn't even contend that that's what happened, like the media wants us to believe.  When this case first came out, nobody even knew where the bullet entry wound was, so the media was free to make these claims and mislead the American public.  Forensic testing proved that the bullet entered at an angle consistent with Trayvon being on top of Zimmerman.  Because Zimmerman was being assaulted, and feared for his life, so he pulled out his gun.

The jury got the case.  The jury weighed all the evidence against their instructions on the law.  And they found correctly in self-defense.  Their decision should be respected.

I would urge people to avoid forming their own opinion on this case until they've read the court transcripts.  If all you know is what the media has been reporting from day one - that a white guy killed a black kid - which isn't even 100% right because Zimmerman isn't even WHITE - then you are too ignorant to form an opinion on this, to call for Zimmerman's head on a platter, to say there was no justice for Trayvon.  Justice was served here.  Know your facts.

I'm so disgusted, disappointed, and angered at the fallout from this verdict.  I have to say I didn't really expect it.  First of all, I definitely did NOT expect him to be found not guilty - even though I believed he was.  I'm glad he was exonerated, given the facts in the case, it's what he deserved.  Second of all, apparently I am finding out who my true friends are via this verdict.  This verdict has ignited passions in many people, but I respect those who have a different opinion than me - as long as it's well-informed.  Personally, I don't know how anyone could have listened to the trial as I did and come away thinking Trayvon Martin was an "innocent kid".  If you did - fine - that's you're well-formed, well-educated opinion.  But if you only know the 5-second mini version that the media wants you to know, then keep your misinformed opinions to yourself.  I've already lost one friend who couldn't tolerate my opinion.  Which is extremely sad.  Extremely sad, given that I would never consider casting a friend aside based on any opinion they might have about anything.

That really hurts.

On a different note, I have never been happier to not have a Facebook.  Twitter has been ridiculous - ridiculous enough I'm considering abstaining from that too.  Social media in general is becoming more and more toxic to me.  It's suppressing.  The misinformation out there is sickening.  And the misinformed opinions are even worse.  It's depressing.  Suppressing and depressing.

To my original subject - happy independence day, George Zimmerman.  I hope you and your family find peace.

Down With FB

I DID IT.

I've done it before and all, but, I did it again.

I deactivated my Facebook account.

I think it will be nice to spend a whole summer completely immune to the pull of Facebook.

I've been thinking a lot about how we live in a technological age and how nothing is ever really personal anymore.  We share all our moments, good and bad, with the people we supposedly care about the most, on social networking sites like Facebook and Instagram and Twitter.  Nothing is really private anymore.

(I know, the irony - here I am waxing poetic on my albeit public blog.)

My point is, I feel like the more social networking sites I'm a part of, the more people have access to me.  Like, there are one-way channels flowing into me and flowing away from me.  I have control over all the channels that flow away from me - I control who I'm in contact with and who I'm not, what I want to see and what I don't - but I have no control over all the channels that flow into me.  And I know, yada yada yada privacy settings yada, but that doesn't really mean anything when you have to worry about hurting feelings left and right over who's on what list and who's not.  It's just too much to manage, and I just don't care enough anymore.  So, I'm done.  For at least the summer.  Facebook-Free Summer 2013.

I guess I had just started feeling a little claustrophobic.  I have a much smaller circle on both Twitter and Instagram, and I feel like there's no drama there, so for now that's what I'm sticking to.

Oh, and this!  My blog.  Where I document my journey through this thing called life.  So exciting to nobody really but me.

Pretty soon I'm going to start my second cookbook, The Scott Family Table.  I'm planning a little bit of a different approach this time - more finished-product pictures, less step-by-step pictures, a couple layouts throughout the book of only my most favorite candid shots of me and Aaron and Maraea cooking together.  I'm really excited to start!

Once I do that I'll have more pictures & recipes to post.  I have plenty from my last cookbook but I don't want to keep delving into that old pile.  I want new and exciting, better photography with a better camera, etc.

Happy summer everyone!

My Summer In A Picture (Or Two)

Wanna see my life this summer?

Here you go:

Weight Watchers and Working Out.

I drew up a calendar for July to track how many points I consume each day and whether or not I've done my workout.  Thanks to The Best Trainer Ever (Mike) I have a week's full of workouts I have to do.  Every day I will be working out about an hour a day.  My calendar has a spot to record my beginning weight and another spot for my ending weight.

I guess July is going to be Weight Watchers and Working Out July.

I'm on Day 5 of Weight Watchers.  I'm actually kind of embarrassed to admit that I'm on it.  But such is life.  I needed to DO something.  This whole heaviest-I've-ever-been shit is not okay with me.  What I really like about the exercise program my trainer designed for me is that if I can't make it to the gym, I can totally do it at home.  And WW hasn't been so bad so far actually.  Yesterday I thought for sure I'd buckle - it was Father's Day cookout at my mom's house, which means spreads of dips and chips and steaks and other slutty stuff - but I was good and ate a big salad and a baked potato.  I actually wasn't all that hungry after the brunch I had.  I guess if I can make it through a cookout at my mom's house, I can make it through anything.

I know I said I was going to stop focusing so heavily on my health, but this can't be excused.  I had a wake-up call at the doctor when he weighed me and it's just not acceptable.  It's just not.

But I am going to have some fun this summer too.  Want to see what the rest of my life will be this summer?

Holy awesomesauce.  :)  I nice new wide angle lens for my nice new Canon.  And a WW cookbook and food scale.  I'm actually excited about all 4 things in this picture.

So there it is folks.  My summer in a nutshell.  Photography and health.

Who wants a photo shoot?  Seriously I need to get some one in front of my lens and fast.

Some Things I Know For Certain

June has been a hectic month, and two more weeks and I can really relax this summer.  After my Baltimore vacation at the end of this month, things will really settle down and I can focus on........so many damn things.

But the main part of the month has passed, and with the past several months have come some things that I know without a doubt.  I'd like to share them with you, here.

1.  I'M A FREAKING GRADUATE, BABY.  Took me over two years but I've got that Bachelor's degree under my belt for sure now.  On Monday June 10th, I graduated Cum Laude from the Software Programming & Application Development program at Peirce College here in Philly.  I'm ecstatically proud of myself.  I'm the only one of my parents' kids to have a Bachelor's degree.  Me and my dad are the only ones in our family with Bachelor's degrees.  And I know why - because it's no easy feat, folks.  College isn't easy.  College wasn't easy for me as an adult and I can't in my wildest dreams imagine that it would have been easier for me as an 18 year old.  For one thing, I thought I knew what I wanted to do at 18 - till I found out what it paid.  Till I found out how much schooling (and debt) I'd need to get to where I wanted to be with that kind of degree.  But at 18 you don't really know what you want to do with your life.  Or, if you do, you have no idea what kind of economic situation you'll be in when you get out of school.  Or, if you do know all that, then God bless ya, you're lucky.  Because at 18 I never would have thought that I'd get a BS in an IT field.  N E V E R.  But guess what - turns out I'm fantastic at what I do and it pays pretty well.  Some people like to say I got lucky -- FALSE.  I worked my ass off.  I've been working my ass off since I was 16 and had two jobs (at one point -- three jobs, I think), saving every penny to buy myself my first car.  True, I may have fallen into the pharmacy field.  But that's not exactly a field that pays well unless you're a pharmacist.  It was my work ethic that took me to excelleRx, up the ranks there, and into the IT department.  I bust my ass.  And I have drive.  Luck has almost nothing at all to do with where I am today.  Don't discount all my hard work by calling me "lucky".  Some people also like to say that I'm a supermom -- FALSE again.  In the past 2 years I have felt like such a bad mom at times that I've sat in the basement listening to my daughter play upstairs while I cried, knowing it would be hours before I could go play with her because there was so much homework in front of me.  I've had such surges of mommy guilt over being in school that I had been seconds away from quitting entirely several times.  The truth is that all I did was fill my "down" time with "homework" time.  You know all that time you spend sitting on the couch in the evenings watching TV or reading a book or going out with friends or doing laundry or hanging out with your spouse or whatever it is you do in your down time?  I just did homework.  That's all.  I'm no supermom; I was a super stressed mom that barely held it together for 2 years.

But that's all over now.

Please don't ask me if I'm going for my Master's degree.  PLEASE.

2.  I have some of the best friends in the world.  My four motherboard friends moved heaven and earth (almost quite literally) to be here for my graduation, and I don't think I could ever express the depths of my gratitude.  My graduation party or ceremony wouldn't have been the same without them, that's for sure.  :)

3.  I am the heaviest I have ever been, and this needs to change, and very soon.  I'm working on it, and that's all I'll say.

4.  While getting to where I am now has nothing to do with luck, I feel lucky.  I have the most beautiful daughter in the world.  I have the best husband ever.  My family and friends freaking rock.  My job keeps me incredibly busy but when I get that paycheck at the end of the month I'm just like "Well ok, for that I can do all that all over again."  I'm creative and I have hobbies and outlets to channel my creativity into.

5.  I can't can't can't can't can't CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T WAIT for this summer to start.  I can't wait to take my daughter to the beach, to read books, to cook, to get some sun, to go to the gym every single day, to take advantage of every single free second I have and fill it with doing something I love.  I promise I will never, ever take those kinds of seconds for granted again.  If school has taught me anything - it's that.

I guess you could argue that it took 2 1/2 years and $36,000 to teach me to live life to its fullest, to not spend a single second on anything that makes you anything less than happy, to take advantage of your time here and do things you love to do.