Dear PIC

Today I am just mad.

I am mad that you deleted all your old social media accounts.  You were so much better at taking pictures than I was.  So much photographic evidence of our visits and friendship, gone!  Pictures of you with Maraea, at the baseball game, in NYC... gone.

I am mad that I was apparently fasting from social media during the times you visited, and don't have photos of my own to look back on.

I am mad that you're gone.  That YOU are GONE.

I am mad that I won't ever get to visit you in Indiana again.

Today I am leaving to drive out there for your service, but I won't even get to see you.  I won't get to be in your presence.  I won't get to see your face one last time.

I am mad that you are gone.  That my future does not include you.  Or your daughters.

I'm mad that you're gone.

Dear PIC

I am writing this because I have felt the need to write to you since I heard that you took your life almost a week ago. 

I was shattered when I heard.  I screamed when I read the words.  I shook and I cried and didn't know what to do.  Do I finish working for the day?  Log off?  There was nothing I could do from where I was.

I sat in my room and texted our mutual friend and just cried and cried and cried.  Aaron came home and hugged me.  My face was so red and puffy. 

I know we hadn't been close in the last five years.  And it turns out I carry a lot of guilt for that.  Admittedly, I hid you on Facebook because it was really hard for me to see you living your life but not really allowing me to be a part of it.  I never had a phone number for you after October 2015.  I never had an address for you.  We used to text constantly, send each other little gifts and care packages.  We told each other everything.  My friendship as I knew it with you stopped at that point and was never the same again.

I was very, very close to coming out to Indiana to find you in person and talk to you about this.  I was so close.  I wish I would have done it.  If I could relive October 2015 all over again, I would do it.

I found out you were pregnant with Natalia via Instagram.  I remember being so devastated that this wasn't something you could reach out and tell me directly.  That this wasn't the thing that ended our arm's-length friendship.  We had been so close for so long, and I know you wanted to be a mother so badly.  I know how excited and elated you must have been, and to think you didn't even want to share that with me outside of social media, really hurt. 

I didn't know what was going on.  I don't know (officially) why our friendship changed so suddenly.  I had my theories, though.

Over the last five years I think we kept each other at arm's length.  I don't know why you kept me at arm's length.  I don't know what I did to you to deserve that.  But I kept you at arm's length because you put me on that list of people you needed to shut out.  And it hurt me deeply to do it.  But it also hurt me deeply that you shut me out in the first place.  I felt like I had to protect myself from that happening again.

I fully expected that someday I'd get a phone call from you, that you had come to your senses or were in need of help.  My number never changed.  I waited for that call for years.  I would have been by your side as fast as I could. 

If you had called me that night last week, I would have answered.  I knew your area code, but not your number.  I would have been there.  I wouldn't have hung up on you.  Or left you alone.  I wouldn't have abandoned you in a time of need.

We could have picked up right where we left off.

You just needed to let me back in.

I keep wondering if you had second thoughts at the last minute and nobody was there to help you out of it.  Did you wish you hadn't done it?

I wish you hadn't done it.

I miss you.

I love you.

Moving on...

Guess what?

I have a new blog.

Stay tuned.  It's the real deal.

Sayonara 2014

It's that time of year once again where I get to mourn the passing of one year and welcome the begging of the new one.

Except this year I'm not really mourning the passing of 2014.  I'm somewhat rejoicing in it.

It was a really tough year for us.  I don't even care to relive it by talking about it again, but we struggled.  Financially, physically, mentally... I am beat.

I am so ready for 2015.

I began 2014 by going Paleo and I am doing something similar for the beginning of 2015, believe it or not.

I am going to aim to be "as Paleo as possible", with my cheats consisting of healthy cheats - like brown rice, black beans, some dairy, etc - instead of unhealthy cheats - like cheesesteaks, cheeseburgers, etc.  I've had a lot of time to think about what I did right and wrong this year when it came to my diet.  I have seen how eating too much grains affects my waist line and I really don't like it.  Even when I thought I was eating things like brown rice in healthy quantities - it doesn't do me any good.

So anyway.  That's where I'm going with my diet.

I'm still lifting and I still love it.  I had another session with a trainer recently who increased my heavy squats and dead lifts by 20lbs each and yikes.  I have noticed so much muscle definition in my legs and my arms.  But now I'd like to focus more on my back and my core.  My trainer is helping me do that.  My trainer - might I mention is like maybe 5'2" and she can squat 200lbs.  TWO HUNDRED.  I can't even imagine...

In other news, this blog will no longer be in a little while.  I've been working on a somewhat secret project for the past few months and will spend the next week getting ready to launch a new blog.  Stay tuned for more information.  I trust you will like it.  :)

What are your plans for 2015?  Resolutions?  Anything big happening in your lives next year?

For me....

• I think we are going to try and make a visit out to see our west coast family.  So excited!
• We have some friends and family coming to visit us next summer, YAY!!
• One of my resolutions is to read a book each month.  I'm tired of being sucked into my phone.  Plus I take the train now so I have about 50 minutes a day to read, at the very least.
• Another resolution: keep eating healthy, keep lifting.
• I'm in the market for an SUV.  Either in the next week or sometime next year.  This is mainly exciting for me because then I never have to be scared about driving in the winter ever again.
• My daughter will start kindergarten next year!  ARGH!

I hope this post finds you well.  Love and good wishes to all of you.  xoxoxo

My, how things change...

Something has clicked inside of me.  Something has really changed.

About six weeks or so ago, I started strength training.  I worked with a trainer who gave me upper body and lower body exercises that I could fit into my normal workout which included calisthenics and fasted cardio.  The plan was to start slowly and increase the amount of strength training per week to 2x/week upper body and 2x/week lower body.  Over the past several weeks, I have been doing these exercises religiously - to the point where if I have to miss a workout (because of meatheads who leave plates on the Olympic bar that I can't for the life of me remove), it legit ruins my day.  I get PISSED.  ROID RAGE!  Only I'm not on any roids.  hahahah

Anyway.  I have lost complete interest in calisthenics and cardio at this point.  I don't want to do anything except lift weights.  Over the past several years, I have killed myself with different kinds of cardio and calisthenics all for very meager visual results.  In the few weeks I've been strength training, I have noticed more results than I ever did with cardio.  This week I am changing my routine to be doing whole body strength training 3x a week, with cardio and calisthenics on the other two days.  And I'm excited!  You guys, I've been getting up at 5am and working out at work at 7am for ELEVEN WEEKS now.  I have never stuck to a routine this long.  Working out first thing in the morning is meant for me.  And I like that strength training allows me to continue to reinvent my workout and get noticeable results.  My arms are really taking shape.  And my legs are getting so strong.

But aside from this continued motivation and excitement about going to the gym, the way I know something has truly clicked and truly changed.... is because I'm working out on vacation.

Two weeks ago, my husband and I went to Vegas for our 10 year wedding anniversary.  The first thing we both wanted to do upon landing was get to the hotel gym and workout.  We couldn't though, because we were way too early for check-in.  So we wandered around and had lunch.  Cheeseburgers, fries, cocktails, and a frozen hot chocolate for me.  We made our way back to the hotel to check-in, got into our room, and promptly changed to hit the gym.  Even after imbibing.  Crazy.  I have never worked out on vacation before.  I have always viewed vacation as my break from the drudgery of working out.  Not in Vegas!  We even aimed to eat healthy while there.  I mean - we ate what we wanted, when we wanted, but we really did not overdo it.

Later this week, we leave for Virginia Beach for a week.  We got this gorgeous house with a pool and of course we are bringing Maraea and my sister Caitlin is tagging along too.  I have been borderline-freaking-out about where I am going to get my workout in next week.  Because it can't be just cardio.  I can't just go for a run on the beach.  That won't satisfy me.  I MUST LIFT WEIGHTS.  Luckily I found a rec center nearby that we can go to for $8 a day.  But seriously?  I have never done this before.  Found a local gym to continue my workout routine?  Like I said, normally vacations were my break from working out too.  Not this time.  Also, we will be eating healthy breakfasts and lunches (yes I have already planned everything out), and normal dinners that are okay to eat as long as you are working out too (steaks, potatoes, burgers, fries, going out to eat, etc).  When I was in Vegas, I felt so much better about splurging a little if I wanted to, if I'd already worked out that day.  I'm sure Virginia Beach will be no different.

Another update - I quit Weight Watchers.  I got really discouraged in my last several weeks.  Even though my eating has been on target except for my cheat meals, I was gaining weight.  Now, I am SURE that it's because of strength training, and building muscle.  But that didn't stop me from feeling discouraged and bummed out.  I woke up one Thursday morning excited for weigh-in because I felt so good and I looked so good.  And I'd gained 3 lbs!  I just want to stop focusing on that number so much.  I don't want to care what I weigh - I never have.  I just want to feel healthy, and feel good about myself.  I feel amazing right now.  I have never felt better in the past 4 years since I started working out, than I do right now.  And I just didn't want WW to be the Debbie Downer in my life.  I want to continue working out and eating right and not focus on that number.

I don't want to be skinny - I want to be strong.

Do you know I even started researching CrossFit gyms in the area?  It still kinda scares me.  But I might be heading towards that.  I'm not sure yet.

Anyway.  I'm so excited about exercise now.  I love where I am and I love where I'm going and I only want it to continue and get better.

(Other People's) Kids are Shit

Maraea is being bullied at school.

There are three different girls that are targeting her.

Really, ladies?  It starts this early?  I figured I'd be dealing with this at some point in her life but not in pre-K for goodness sake.

Girl #1 - let's call her Zeze - has actually gotten physical with my daughter.  She's punched her in the arm, tugged at her shirt and her hair, they get into screaming and pushing matches.  Clearly two personalities that clash.  The teachers are thankfully all over the situation and manage to keep them separated for the most part.  To cover all our bases, we talked to the center director about it, who assured us that she was aware of it at her level as well, and that "the process" (of documenting behavioral incidents and issues) was already well underway.  Unfortunately, it turns out that Zeze has something going on at home.  The director was obviously not at liberty to elaborate, but it sounds like some drastic change and now Zeze is acting out at school.  It's very sad and Zeze I'm so sorry but could you keep your paws off my kid please?

Girl #2 - let's call her Nene - has also gotten physical.  The most recent incident happened yesterday.  Maraea is the line leader this week, and apparently when you're standing in line you're not allowed to talk.  So Nene was standing behind Maraea and was trying to tell her something, and Maraea was not responding (because she's not allowed to talk).  Nene kept bothering Maraea, so Maraea covered her ears, which prompted lovely little Nene to punch Maraea in the throat.  WTF IS WITH THESE GIRLS AND THEIR PUNCHING.  FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUNCH.  Anyway.  The teacher asked Maraea why she didn't just tell her that Nene was bothering her, and Maraea said "I'm not allowed to talk in line".  My kid, following instructions.  Grrr.  There have been other physical incidents in the past too.

Girl #3 - let's call her Lele - has not gotten physical but is highly manipulative.  Maybe she's not really bullying Maraea.  But it's one of those - "Hey Maraea, I really like your ____________ maybe you should let me have it."  And then Maraea comes home telling me that Lele now has all her stuffed animals at nap time and she needs to bring in more, and that Lele is stealing food from her lunch, and when Maraea tries to tell the teacher, Lele covers Maraea's mouth and holds her in her seat so she can't tell.

Real gems, all three of them.

I'm shocked that this started so early.  And what's really frustrating is that I can't tell my daughter how to fight back against these little shits.  She's not old enough to understand when it's ok to fight back and when it's not.

I tried telling her - with Zeze - to look her straight in the eye, and be very brave and strong, and say "Zeze, LEAVE ME ALONE."  Loud enough so her teachers could hear.  Sadly that turned into her taking that stance with me sometimes.  She'll get an attitude with me, because she doesn't know that it's ok to stand up to Zeze but not to mommy like that.

She's been throwing ridiculous temper tantrums since this all started about 3-4 months ago.  RI-DIC-U-LOUS.  Like, thrashing around kicking and screaming, hitting and kicking me and Aaron, hyperventilating and throwing things.  All over the smallest things - she doesn't want me to brush her hair.  She doesn't want to go potty before bed.  Last night, it was because she asked me "Mommy, was I on punishment last night?" and I answered her "Yes".  She flew off the handle.  And for what?  The day was already over.  It was in the past.  She wasn't on punishment anymore.  WTF?

Awesomely enough for me, so many of these tantrums have happened in my presence only.  In the mornings, trying to get her out of the house for school.  In the car on our way home.  One day she sat in the backseat kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs for about 40 minutes straight - threw things at me from the backseat, reached up and around and smacked me on my chest.  Such a treat.  An awesome treat.

We're supposed to be past the temper tantrum stage.

We are trying to talk it out with her as much as we can.  When we see her starting to head down that path, we try very gently to get her to talk about what might really be upsetting her.  Sometimes she bites, sometimes she will furrow her brows at us and stomp her foot and be defiant.

If you ask me, it all ties back to this bullying shit.

You ever want to scare another kid that's fucking with your kid?  Sometimes I daydream about going into that classroom and twisting Zeze's or Nene's or Lele's ears and getting on their level real close to their face and telling them to leave my kid the fuck alone.  Haha.  We all know that won't solve anything though.

When it first started we tried being very diplomatic about it.  "If so-and-so doesn't play nice with you, maybe you should play with some other kids."  Because you know how kids can take something you say and completely misinterpret it and then go into school and spit it back out.  By now, I'm straight up telling her to stay away from those 3 girls.  Don't play with them.  They're not nice girls.  The sad thing?  She still thinks they are her friends.  After Lele stole her Doritos from her lunch one day, Maraea said "Lele is still my best friend though."  And I had to get real with her.  I said "You think Lele is your best friend?  Do friends steal from each other?  Would you steal anything from Toni (her BFF that lives next door)?  Friends don't hurt each other and friends don't steal from each other.  Lele is not your friend at all."

I'm kind of at the point now where I'm ready to move her to a new school.  There's a place by me that's much cheaper, it's closer, they have longer hours, Aaron could pick her up if needed, I would get my car rides to and from work back to myself again.  Sure, she may run into some shit kids there too.  But maybe not.  I suppose you never know.  I'm just tired of paying $285 a week and my kid is coming home and telling me about all these kids that pick on her and punch her and are mean to her.

Nothing makes me want to move to the middle of Oklahoma and homeschool her more than this.

Look Up

In a recent random perusal through Facebook (which I rarely do these days), I happened upon this video and you need to click on that link and watch it.

It made me cry, legit.

That video speaks to all the reasons why I ditched Facebook in the first place.  But it also brought me into awareness that it's not just Facebook.  I'm on Instagram like all the time.  It wasn't a problem for me because it's not negative to me like Facebook can be - but it's still something that's disconnecting me from my life.  And I'm playing games like all the time too.  And I need to stop that.

Why are we so addicted to our phones and technology and social media?

I hate that I'm a part of it.  And I want it to change.

So I'm going to work on that.

On a similar vein, and also in a recent random perusal through Facebook (seems I've got two good things out of it lately), I happened upon this video, for Colbie Caillat's new single, Try.  This made me cry too!  I immediately added it to my Spotify playlist and let Maraea listen to it.  This is the message I want her to hear as she grows up.

Speaking of Maraea, I need to vent about some stuff there too but I just can't tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow there will be a resolution I can tell you about.  We'll see.

Kisses ya'll.